"that's what hell will be like..."

"that's what hell will be like, small chat to the babbling of Lethe about the good old days when we wished we were dead." 
(samuel beckett, embers)

it's been a long time since i read literature. and for good reason. i lost faith in it. 
i remember starting off with the belief i would learn more and more eventually. every poem, every book a puzzle piece, another step on the road to becoming a better, more knowledgeable person, someday hopefully a wise man.
this hope has vanished. i shall find some more beautiful pages and stories and lines, some constellations and characters that speak to me, but they won't add up and create anything new. they will not change the man i have become or shatter the angles from which i perceive the world. they don't contain the answers.
maybe it is time to leave these ruins behind. indulge in reality, getting my hands dirty and my mind busy and distracted. 
i have lost faith and as every infidel i feel the emptiness creeping at me and the judgement awaiting...